Identity battles

When something is part of our identity, we are willing to fight to the death over it.

When something about our identity shifts, it can be a crushing, wrecking experience. This can unleash a grieving process for what was lost or changed.

How many things do I squawk over - not because it’s Biblical, but because it’s part of my religious identity? Something I don’t want to lose, don’t want to go through a grief process over, something in me that I don’t want to die?

When someone is ready to argue heatedly, to fight over something, it’s a good clue less about what they consider to be true and more about what they consider to be part of their personal identity.

(Social media posts have often been called ‘Rorschach tests’ for peoples’ perhaps subconscious perceptions of their identity—as revealed by how they react to the post.)

Rather than argue heatedly, the best question I’ve heard to respond is:

• Don’t ask “what kind of person does that” or “believes that” or “says that”

• Ask rather, “what happened to you, that brought you to the point of that decision?”

In other words, ask what formed a person’s identity such that there is something they are ready to fight over it? This response emphasizes a search for empathy and understanding in conversation - seeking to understand the experiences and events that shaped a person’s understanding of their identity. An empathetic approach to others’ identity formation will foster deeper connection and reduce conflict.